London, England - Everyone is familiar with the cute and adorable capuchin monkeys that are used to render living assistance physically challenged people. Helping them maintain their dignity through independence. The coupling of primates with humans has been a tremendous success but recently the foundation "Helping Hands for Humans" has been struggling to keep up the needs of their clients that increasingly demand more from their capuchin monkeys than they can perform.
"Why just the other day one of our physically challenged clients fell out of her wheelchair and rolled under a parked Double-Decker bus," said Heather Ripple, founder of "Helping Hands for Humans." "Well, her little capuchin monkey tried to find the operator to move it but couldn't. So then, he tried to reach her to pull her out, but it couldn't, so it attempted to lift up the Double-Decker bus. Well, that little capuchin monkey tried and tried, but he just couldn't lift that Double-Decker bus."
Paramedics eventually arrived on the scene in time to save the woman trapped under the parked Double-Decker bus from dying of dehydration, but they were too late for the capuchin monkey who died of a massive hernia; its little paws still clutching the undercarriage of the Double-Decker bus.
"Poor little thing," said a paramedic on the scene. "Maybe if didn't lift with its tiny little legs so much…It would have died a much more quicker, less painful meaningless death."
So in desperation the organization has turned to the use of silverback gorillas for the service of helping the physically challenged to complete the more rigorous activities of daily life that are often an insurmountable obstacle that non-physically changed peoples take for granted. Like being able to crawl out form under a parked Double-Decker bus under their own power.
However, the new training program has been unsuccessful as of yet and "Helping Hands for Human" has lost their entire regular capuchin monkey trainers in the attempt.
"I guess what we are looking for is a gorilla wispier," said Ripple, "Because we still can't get the silverback gorillas from beating our handlers to death. But we remain confident that once we overcome that obstacle and are able to recruit more trainers brave enough to literally risk life and limb with our radical, unorthodox training methods, everything will be fine and dandy."
Ripple goes on to say that they are requiring all applying candidates to have their own dental and vision care in addition to full health coverage and a good life insurance policy as well, as their group health insurance as been canceled.
"Preferably single too," said Ripple. "So they can name our foundation as the benefactor."
Once they have the new crew in place, says Ripple, and the last of the old crew buried, she is certain the program will be fully operational in no time, after observing a respectable time for mourning, of course.