A Durham man was attacked this evening by a locovore when he got in the locovore's way while it was grazing at a Whole Food's salad bar on Todd Street. Peter Hardwick was serving himself when a man identified as a locovore came out of the corner to seize Mr. Hardwick's hand.
Eyewitnesses say that the locovore may have been provoked by the man's shirt which had the words, "The rapture is not an exit strategy" printed on the back. It took two employees to wrestle the locovore to the ground. A sheriff's deputy was on patrol to arrest the locovore.
Hardwick was admitted to Duke University Hospital and treated for lacerations on the wrist and hand and was given a precautionary rabies vaccination.
"I'm sore, but I'll be ok," said Hardwick.
This is not the first time locovores have attacked local residents in Durham. In Chapel Hill, about a month ago, a woman lost two of her fingers to a locovore dining at a Chinese buffet.
Locovores will eat almost anything as long as it's local and will resort to doing back-flips and somersaults in local restaurants to get attention.
Locovores are not to be confused with locavores which thrive on in-season foods such as yams and potatoes in the winter and squash, cucumbers, tomatoes, beans, peas and the usual fare of vegetables in the summer. Locavores also prefer to eat local foods and cut down on their carbon footprint and the amount of gas that is used to transport their food.
Locovores and locavores are often confused. The species locavores rein from the kingdom, mamalia; phylum, genitalia; class, we'llmailia; order, gonnassailia; family, neverturntailia and genus, makebailia.
The species locovores, on the other hand, rein from the kingdom, impaleia; phylum, gonnatrailia; class, gonnasmellia; order, feetsgonnafailia; family, gonnainhaleia and genus, gonorrhea.
Scientists are still trying to determine whether locovores evolved from monkey's, or was just God's way to keep everybody honest and appreciate what they were given.
The jury is still out.