Written by IN SEINE
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Topics: Death, Money, Mercury

Monday, 7 January 2008

image for Cost Of Living Goes Up, Cost Of Dying Goes Up More
Something to get your teeth into?

Never mind moaning about the cost of living, the cost of dying is set to soar!

It has been discovered that all UK Crematoria may have to close within ten years simply because it poses a threat to our health. With current worries about low energy light bulbs contain quantities of mercury; they are by no means equal to the quantity carried around by humans. Most people over 30 still have mercury tooth fillings, which mean unless action is taken it could pose a problem for the next 60 years.

Although cremations take place at 1,000c the temperature must be reduced to 160c in order for the mercury to be removed. The excess waste heat is sent up the flue and disappears in the atmosphere.

Britain's top anthropologist, Professor Doug Dogsbody from Aberystwyth University has been monitoring the emissions from the chimnies of more than a dozen crematoria for 6 weeks. He found that mercury contained in the flue gases actually comes from the vaporisation of tooth fillings.

Doug told In Seine News

"If this trend continues, I think that crematoria will be Britain's biggest source of mercury emissions by 2020 so it is vital that something is done now. Burying the dead will not be an option either because all of the available land will be developed for housing - Shocking isn't it?"

"An effecive alternative needs to be found very soon. Cryogenics will be far to expensive with the rising cost of electricity." he added.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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