The cash-stricken UK NHS is set to save millions of pounds by closing at least one ward in every hospital per week. In effect this will lay-off, albeit temporarily, nurses, doctors and cleaners.
In the top secret government research laboratories at Porton Down, scientists are introducing a new virus 'into the wild' each week - one that nobody has heard of before. The viral symptoms are all the same, it's just the name is different. It is similar to the chap who works for Laboratoire Garnier in Paris, who makes up names like 'replenitudes' , 'ceramides' and 'revitallift' and then some scientific, patronising bloke describes them in a way that we are stupid if we don't know what they are.
This week's offering is the 'Noravirus'. It was believed to have first broken out in Holmfirth in Yorkshire which is famed for being the set of 'The Last of the Summer Wine', the long-running BBC comedy series. The actress, Kathy Staff, had contracted some mysterious bug, whilst sweeping her steps last week. It was thought to have been left there by Compo, a lovable roguish tramp who had the 'hots' for her, but sadly died 5 years ago. The virus must have laid dormant all this time until Kathy became nauseous and started to vomit in her pinafore. Notwithstanding she had a case of the runs - they happened so fast that she could not remove her trade-mark stocking quick enough and the wrinkles soon filled up. The stench was quite bad too!
"I can still smell that dear Compo is near to me." She said.
Dr Frank N. Stine from Porton Down told In Seine News:
"We are living in a dangerous world and new viruses are mutating every day; E-coli, C-Diff, Avian Flu, BTV, we've researched them all - as soon as we find an effective antibiotic, they develop an immunity and we're back to square one. However we re doing the best we can!"
"Next week's infection will be 'Bulgarian Blue Ball'." He hinted.