Written by Honcho McLopez
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Topics: Space, US Army

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

image for Army Anxious About New Positions Available

January 2008 :: Ft. Monroe, VA - The U.S. Army, after fighting to get a seemingly decade-long recruiting monkey off of it's collective back, has light at the end of it's tunnel. The Army TRADOC (Training and Doctrine) Command has decided to start recruiting and training this newer series of super-soldier.

The job: SSDG, which stands for Space Shuttle Door Gunner.

This motivated individual will be certified by NASA in emergency procedures in case of accidental separation from the shuttle, and also in various space gunnery. Due to the difficult working environment, the soldiers will receive an additional $200.00 per month for this hazardous duty. Atypical with previous aircraft door gunners, the SSDG will encounter significantly less hostile fire from enemy forces, due to their significantly higher altitudes.

During R&D, the testing of the entire combat system was put through the rigors of working in space, and various volunteers from the Army's 101st and 82nd Airborne divisions tried out the new system. Some initial shortcomings with the system were identified. Some soldiers, during space testing, were lost in space, due to poor workmanship in the tether cables, and still a few more were permanently blinded by the brightness of the unprotected exposure to sunlight in space.

General Schleppstone of the Training and Doctrine command: "I feel that although there have been some mild slipups in the design and implementation of this innovative combat system, I am sold mostly on the number of casualties saved on our end, due to being out of the enemy's surface weaponry and small arms fire."

Cannons and automatic guns that can reach from outer space to the surface of the planet are still in development.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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