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Monday, 31 December 2007

image for Camilla Blamed For Queen Victoria Poisoning
Queen Victoria with its 3,432 toilets in quarantine with Baby Bio Poisoning

Since its launch on December 7th, the Cunard liner Queen Victoria appears to be cursed.

Tradition has it that some dignitary; in this case Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall swung a magnum of Tesco (every little helps) champagne against the bow and the bottle failed to break. This was considered by many seafaring folk at Southampton where the boat was launched to be a bad omen.

Although its maiden voyage went without hitch, it did suffer an engine failure some 50 miles offshore, but was easily able to get back on its remaining five engines.

After repairs, the ship has suffered a new setback; at least 30 passengers and 2 crew members have come down with a mysterious illness. Showing symptoms of winter flu, passengers also have a green tinged complexion and are covered with dark brown spots similar to potato blight. Although the illness lasts for a week, with lots of vomiting, it is not life-threatening.

Oliver Sudden, a Cunard Line doctor; one of a team of four on board said:

"We have excellent facilities here that are far better than 99.9% of UK hospitals. There are NO traces of MRSA, C-Diff, E-Coli, CJD, or Blue Tongue Virus. So far our investigations have led us to believe Baby Bio poisoning is the culprit.Hence when the skin turns green, the cells become photogenic and start to photosynthesise. If a patient keeps out of direct sunlight, the effects will quickly diminish."

Captain Jack Sparrow told In Seine News:

"If people are paying £1,500 for a 12 day cruise then we want them to make maximum us of all the ships facilities - including all of the 3,432 toilets. That way, our paying guests will get good value-for-money. They can spend the first 6 days being ill and then the next 6 days getting a nice tan on deck."

The MAFF (Ministry of Agriculture, Food and Fisheries) laboratories in Scunthorpe have analysed blood from the patients and have discovered a high concentration of Baby Bio in the haemoglobular structures and it is known to come from the greenhouses in one of Prince Charles' Duchee estates. Obviously Camilla did not wash her hands after one of her tree-hugging session with hubby that morning.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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