NASA released the results of it's 'Operation Other Planet' study today, confirming scientist's worst fears the world over: Mars is not really a planet.
Close-up photos from the satellite 'Investigate' reveal that the red planet is not truly a planet by definition at all, but rather a giant weather balloon that was released into the air back in the WWII era by the Soviet Union in meteorological preparation for a Nazi winter attack. The weather balloons back then were each given their own distinct name by the weather troops that managed this program for the Soviet state. The one that engorged to become Mars was actually named 'Piscchov'.
The weather balloon's size and shape was maintained by the rarefied oxygen levels in outer space, coupled with the surprisingly high quality of rubber produced by the communist state at that time.
Despite this shocking news, Harrah's Entertainment has decided to forge onward with it's casino and hospitality ventures on the surface of this rubber spherical sensation we've come to call Mars.