FBI agents today raided Santa's workshop and discovered one of the most sophisticated and comprehensive surveillance systems ever known to man.
"What a perv," commented one of the agents who preferred to remain anonymous. "We found pornography on about every system that we confiscated."
But acting in his own defense, the jolly Red man said that he was not responsible for the pornography that his elves were looking at and sending back and forth to one another through attachments to their emails.
"Little pranksters, oftentimes their demons get the best of them. And besides, even if I was looking at the stuff, how else am I supposed to keep an eye on who's been naughty or nice? You don't want me givin' away the good stuff to people who don't deserve it do ya?" asked the heavy-set man with a full, white beard dressed in the Red suit
In addition to pornography, FBI officials were also shocked at the technology that they found.
"This surveillance system makes NORAD (North American Aerospace Defense Command) look amateurish, or President Nixon a saint," said one agent. "We discovered stuff that James Bond couldn't even get his hands on even if he tried to steal it."
What they found were:
PC's and Apple Computers with Web-Cams, panning and tilting cameras, digital video recorders, hidden spy cameras, wireless nanny cams, full fledged motion-activated networked Surveillance Systems, cell phones, satellite dishes, bloodhounds, star-bellied snitches, missile motion detectors, contracts with OnStar, butterfly motion detectors, cable boxes, two-way dressing room mirrors and a room full of TV screens about the size of two Boeing 747 airplane hangers hooked up to various surveillance systems throughout the world that would put the control tower at Chicago's O'Hare airport, or a sports bar in Los Angeles to shame.
When asked who tipped the department off, an agent replied, "He's been a suspect for many years now. We just wanted him to accumulate so much technology and pornography that we would have enough to really nail him. We also knew something was up after so many malls in the United States were reported to have Santa Clause working in them. No man can appear in as many different places at once."
Reporters were also curious about how the jolly Red man was able to keep an eye on all the TV monitors at once without going crazy and he simply pointed to one of his elves.
"Those guys are amazing," he said. "Not only are they able to keep an eye on all of these screens, but their ears are so sensitive they can pick up a bat fart from 200 yards."
Acoustic evolutionists were reported impressed.
No date has been for Santa's trial. Santa and 10 of his elves were released on a $100,000 bond.