WASHINGTON - In a startling report issued today by researchers at the Center for Science in the Pubic Interest, statistics show that teenagers are 78% more likely to have sex if they wear white shirts with collars.
News of the report's findings sent shockwaves through many parochial and private school administrators. White shirts have been the rule rather than the exception for over a hundred years at many of these schools. Public school principals as well have taken to monitoring hallways on the lookout for students in white shirts.
The report revealed other surprises as well:
- Boys who wear baggy "gangsta" pants rarely think about sex.
- Girls who never wear makeup usually get pregnant before graduation.
- Teenagers who wear red or blue shirts are three times as likely to engage in sexually deviant behavior.
Alarmed by the thought of their teenagers engaging in pre-marital sex, parents have begun rummaging through their son's and daughter's closets. Goodwill and various thrift shops across the country are seeing hundreds of bags filled with white shirts left anonymously on their doorsteps after dark.