Written by Zack Matheson
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Saturday, 17 November 2007

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PRINCETON, NJ -- A study conducted by the Sociology Department at Princeton University has determined that drinking light beer does not actually make you cool.

The study headed by Professor Denise Trautmann focused on the physical and sociological effects of the consumption of light beer and the results might be shocking to some people.

Doctor Trautmann says, "If you think the girls will flock to you because you drink light beer, think again. Light beer doesn't make you cool or hip but it probably does make you dumber." Trautmann points to hours of images from light beer commercials to back up her statements. "My all time favorite is the fat guy who is so desperate to be seen as funny and cool that he paints himself silver like a can of Coors Light. He actually wishes he was a can of beer so someone will like him. It's really quite sad."

Trautmann has also discovered a link between light beer and stunted brain functions. "Compare the average IQ of someone who drinks Keystone Light to the average person who drinks oh, say, Samuel Adams, and you'll see what I'm talking about."

Trautmann blames many of society's problems on light beer, in particular the emergence of the backward ballcap wearing white guy now found in every city in America.

"If we eliminate light beer, we'll eliminate much of this country's meathead problem," states Doctor Trautmann. She adds that until light beer is gone, we as a society will only continue to become less and less intelligent, until our entire nation is like one big frat house kegger and "that is the most sad thing of all."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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