Written by Billy Bloom
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Topics: Death

Friday, 19 October 2007

image for Acupuncture Proven to Relieve the Suffering of the Dead
This man no longer craves nicotine, thanks to the new treatment

A study at the University of Springfield at Piermont (USAP) has conclusively shown that acupuncture can help the dead every bit as much as it does the living.

The breakthrough study, conducted on a variety of illegally exhumed corpses, will soon be published in The New England Journal of Malarky, The Spoof has learned.

Dr. Pinnington Von Needlesham, the architect of the study, gave a thorough accounting of the science behind the claims at a hastily assembled press conference held at the Springfield County Graveyard.

"For all those naysayers who doubted the power of acupuncture, I think this will put the matter to rest once and for all," he said. "As you will see, this research proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that sticking little sharp things randomly into the skin is not just for the living anymore."

To prove his point, the doctor uncovered the cadaver of a recent drowning victim. "As you can see, I have inserted many needles into this person's body--many, many needles. I will now drop a bowling ball on his head…..and behold! No reaction whatsoever! The acutreatment has eliminated the pain response completely!"

Von Needlesham then moved the assembled media to another carcass--this one, a man who had died in a tragic urinal accident. "This gentleman used to have a terrible sleeping disorder; he would be awakened by virtually any noise. But now, thanks to Deceased Acupuncture Technology, he can sleep peacefully through anything." The doctor then turned on a boom box and blasted the latest Jay-Z tune into the ear of the stiff. "See for yourself! He sleeps like a baby! And I didn't even have to shove little pins in this one--just hearing about acupuncture cured him of his problem!"

In his final demonstration, Von Needlesham brought forth an urn. "This poor woman used to suffer from chronic anxiety," he crowed. "But now, simply by jamming tiny metal spindles into her urn, she is worry-free!"

The American Society of Acupuncturists lauded the new work. "Anything that can get people to believe that what we do actually works is good by us!" said a spokesman for the group. "Dead, alive--we 're equal opportunity opportunists. We'll stick our little needles anywhere."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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