SCOTTSBLUFF, NE -- A group of dental tech students at Western Nebraska Community College have accidentally discovered that branded body sprays and body washes cause cancer in laboratory animals.
One of the students said, "It was weird how fast that stuff attacked the central nervous system, and how fast the lab rats turned into drooling lobotomized rodents."
When questioned about the supposed effects of using such products, including becoming intensely desirable to the opposite sex, another student commented, "That's just not true. See, after you've used it for a short period of time, your cells become infected. All those hot girls attacking you, they're not attacking you out of lust, they're attacking you out of sympathy because they know you're dying."
When questioned about the allegations, the English-Dutch company responsible for producing the male grooming products, denied that their product was dangerous and added that if anything remotely dangerous was made by them, it had to have been produced at their satellite facility in China.