Doc Martin, a recluse from Essex, has designed a computer programme able to predict snuff-it dates based on what he calls The Sticky-End Factor i.e. the more enemies you have - the more likelihood there is of you meeting a sticky-end!
"I deal in probabilities," Doc explains, "and the probability of an enemy wanting to kill you, and indeed actually killing you, is statistically high."
The ingenious programme can calculate sticky-end risk factors by simply inputting responses to questions like: Do you get along with your in-laws? Has anyone actually threatened to kill you lately? Have you threatened to kill anyone lately?.
The medical profession have hailed the programme as a potential life-saver. Sticky-end analysis really drives home the need to watch your step. Patients can see their graphs and modify their behaviour thus improving their life-expectancy by 100%.
However critics of the computer programme want to verify the claim of "improved longevity" and are trying to find respondants who did not heed their Sticky-end graph warnings. No data is at hand to date.