Written by Thom Gallagher
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Topics: Scientists, Smoking

Thursday, 11 March 2004

image for Smoking May Offer Addicts a Solution to the Patch
The Patch could soon become yesterday's news.

Scientists from several North American universities and research facilities met on Monday to discuss a new treatment for the nicotine patch. The treatment, called "smoking," has been tested thoroughly in the lab, and now tests are moving on to human subjects.

Scientists from the University of Alberta in Canada have asked for volunteers to field-test the treatment. They are receiving a huge interest. According to researcher Jim Matthews, "the phones have been off the hook since we asked people to try smoking."

Matthews said a few volunteer test subjects have already been tested, and are responding well to the treatment. "They have no more need for the nicotine patch. They think it's great," he said. "Everybody likes it. It has a few side effects at the beginning, but after that, they're hooked. Every one of them has thrown away their box of patches."

A volunteer test subject, who did not want to be identified, commented on the procedure when reporters were at the university. "These researchers have done a terrific job. Smoking is a quick, easy, satisfying solution to the problem of the nicotine patch. Look how easy it is," he said as he pulled out a carton of something called "cigarettes," the primary vehicle for introducing the smoking treatment to the body. "All you do is light the end like this, and then suck on the…" After his brief demonstration, he started coughing uncontrollably and was no longer available for comment.

The researchers have found that smoking has many different forms in addition to cigarretes, including cigars and pipes. Matthews predicts that these will be available on a ‘trial prescription' basis within a few years. "This is very exciting," said Matthews. "I've never developed something so groundbreaking. I might even be looking at a nobel prize in a few years."

Despite Matthew's enthusiasm, he says research will continue for years to come, but for now, anybody can call to volunteer for the project at 1-800-MEA-DDICT.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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