Cyberspace - (Ass Mess): A consortium of disorganised crime cartels has launched its own customised email service to cater to the niche market needs of today's modern assassins.
Hitmail.com has begun operational services for mobster cartel members who have endured the ignominy of many years of MI5 and FBI hacking by encryption specialists, who have systematicall rendered their sophisticated devices obsolete.
The new email service works using holographic scanners which project virtual keyboards onto cell phone-sized screens.
A virtual joystick depresses alphabetical keys and messages are sent using revolutionary new Microweave technology:
"That's hologram-twisted microwaves to you and me," an IT source at the MoD said today.
The messages are sent via a sophisticated network of home microwave ovens which relay the signals across the world "while capable of cooking a burger and fries at the same time."
The new system appears virtually hack-proof and may have been in place in the USA since the end of 2006.
However, Ministry of Defence science officers are concerned that it may have interferred with the annual Jet Stream cyclonics "which completely buggerd up the British Summer".
"If this is the case we think the entire Hitmail.com system could become extremely vulnerable to negative ionisation of the upper stratosphere.
"And for years the MoD has dabbled with weather machines as a viable warfare weapon.
"We think we may now have cracked an application using magnetic resonance scanner technology which will effectively sent mini super-tornadoes straight into the Microweave communication pathways to screw up the Hitmail virtual servers."
A follow-up report will be published later next week.