Written by Nathan Cooper
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Topics: Food, Scientists

Thursday, 5 July 2001

image for Scientists Crack Genetic Nougat Code
Keeps you satisfied

After years of research, Canadian scientists have discovered the chemical make-up of nougat, the tasty, soft compound found in candy bars such as Snickers. Six years of laboratory testing have finally paid of for the team of researchers based in a secret location somewhere in Canada.

"Well, we knew candy companies would try to get their sticky, chocolate-covered hands on our findings, so we had to establish a secret lab," said Doug Bosley, a DNA specialist who worked on the project. The team of researchers had shipments of candy bars sent to the hidden location, dropped by airplane and recovered by the scientists under cover of nightfall.

The testing went smoothly, with the exception of one incident, "Once we had a big scare when we left all of our testing subjects, the candy bars, on the dashboard of our van in the middle of a sunny day. Luckily we were able to freeze the subjects in liquid nitrogen almost immediately," Bosley said.

"We used the current technology used in the Human Genome Project. We found that the basic ribosome in nougat shows that it belongs somewhere in the spackle & grout family," said Bosley.

When the researchers arrived home it was generally noted that they had somehow each gained several pounds and developed horrible acne.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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