Written by Noshing Mink
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Topics: Surgery, Transplant

Saturday, 25 August 2007

image for Man gets mouth transplant

In another bungled medical operation, a man who went into hospital for an arthroscopy of his knee woke up to find that the lower half of his face had been replaced with … a book.

Mr. Quiet told us, using an elaborate system of sign language (since he can no longer speak) that his camel needs to go to the Post Office. We then got a proper interpreter who translated his gestures as:

"I hate having a book attached to my face. It's so close to my eyes that it gives me eye strain. And because it's hardback, it's bloody heavy and gives me headaches. Worst of all, it's got no title and all the pages are blank. I just want my nose and mouth back."

Mrs Quiet said that the medical blunder has affected their sex life.

"Kissing a hardback book isn't quite the same as kissing a human mouth. There are also a lot of things that my husband can no longer do that he used to be very good at, if you know what I mean."

We didn't, so we asked for a demonstration, before getting thrown out of the Quiet residence.

A spokesman for the National Association of Patients said:

"This case highlights the problems in our hospitals, where overpaid surgeons who are more interested in shagging nurses and playing golf allow patient care to suffer. We tried contacting the hospital on behalf of Mr. Quiet but we gave up after we weren't getting any reply."

Poor Mr. Quiet will have to start getting used to not getting any.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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