Notorious drunken bastard Leon Elpings insists that a good glass of pinot cuts cholesterol and keeps away toenail fungus.
"It's a bloody miracle-cure, is what it is," says Elpings, a familiar face around the local bars and lying on the pavement outside the supermarket.
"All you hear on the TV is about the negatives to alcohol -- but what about its antioxidant qualities? It's what the government doesn't want you to know, to keep the fatcats in pharma flush with green. Just like medical marijuana!"
Elpings was interviewed at his bedside where he woke up two hours ago in a puddle of his own pee.
"Ish feelsh great, jush like a young man! Vino keepsh my kidneys clean!"