LONDON (Defecated News) - The World Health Organisation (WHO) released a report last week in which it was announced that 'Fruit Is An Evil Bastard Food'.
The report investigated allegations initiated by fast food restaurants including MacDougall's, Bugger King and Ken-Fucky Fried Chicken. They claimed that fruit is not the harmless healthy snack, but an evil, child-killing bastard of a food.
"Our studies have found that the level of 'lipo-peptide-gluconic-phosphate-1-2-3-o'clock-4-o'clock-rock' in all fruit is way sky high' explained WHO researcher and MacDougall's heir 'Mac' MacDougall.
"Such high levels can make your balls get infected with syphillis and other VD stuff, make your blood create the HIV virus from your spleen, and turn your brain into a large piece of cancer the size of a basketball. I'm not shitting you." he added.