Cape Canaveral, FL., U.S.A. - Scientists from N.A.S.A. made an unexpected discovery today when a unmanned space probe retrieved evidence that the planet Saturn may actually be an alcoholic's paradise.
"Those rings are vapours emanating from a very drunken planet." said Ivan DeNiall "It turns out that Saturn is a actually covered in booze which proves that no intelligent life ever lived there."
It also proves that Saturn was once a college dormitory.
"All this time I've being driving a Saturn and had NO IDEA!" said one spoiled middle-class student, "I mean WHOAH!"
Ted Kennedy, a Democrat and recent scientific hobbyist took great interest in the discovery. "I think this means that we'll just have to build us a 300 million mile long straw.", he joked.
Scientists are now working on a theory which may explain the phenomenon. "It's possible" said N.A.S.A. planetary expert Patty Alnite "that Saturn provided the booze while Mars provided the water mix."
Citing this theory as possible but not plausible, renowned physicist Steven Hawking noted "I really wouldn't have expected this kind of a thing but it would be really cool to build a Star Wars-like outpost on a planet made of alcohol, wouldn't it?!"
Spokespeople for Saturn Inc. have played up on the booze theme with a new slogan for their 2005 line of vehicles: Saturn - the car that knows how to have a good time.
No word yet on how long it will take for a human cargo to reach the planet, but it shouldn't take very long - especially if the Russians get in the game.