Cape Canaveral, Florida - (Ass Mess): The US government's space advisor, the National Research Council, has urged NASA to start a search for what it describes as "weird life" to replace disgraced love-tug astronut Captain Lisa Nowak following petitions from international agencies lobbied by Russian cosmanauts.
Ever since Nowak was dumped from NASA's space shuttle program after the attempted murder of love-rival Coleen Shipman Russian cosmanauts aboard the International Space Station have protested that their lives aboard the orbiting facility have become dull, depressed and verging on the pointless.
"And don't forget shagless," added Yuri Cosmopolitanski, commander of the Bloodyvostock detachment aboard the ISS.
Their petition for her re-instatement has been channelled via an international panel including the Russian Academy of Sciences, Germany's Max 'Thick As A' Planck institute and Australia's University of Sydney.
"What we want is her immediate re-instatement," Cosmopolitanski said today.
"But if Nowak's attempted murder lawsuit is going to drag on for at least another year as reported on the press, can we have instead a suitable replacement?
"We have seen plenty of suitable women on the Fox Channel broadcasts and any number of them would do.
"We would prefer the Bush twins of course, because you can't get any weird life weirder than that.
"But Chelsey Clinton or Britney might do just as well."
Colleen Shipman is 39.