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Thursday, 9 August 2007

image for New Ambulance Siren Will Include Sound of Machine-Gun Fire

"Something has to be done - nobody respects the ambulance siren anymore," explained local ambulance driver, John Walsh, as he flicked on his siren to more easily navigate through a crowded McDonald's parking lot. "I heard about the machine-gun siren a couple of weeks ago and I fully support it. I think it's a no-brainer."

Walsh explained further, "You take a standard, run-of-the-mill ambulance siren, and then combine it with the sound of a firing AK-47. I haven't actually heard a machine-gun siren, but people say it's terrifying. Who knows what drivers will think when they hear an ambulance siren and a machine gun at the same time - maybe that the ambulance has been hijacked by a thrill-seeking terrorist, or that a bored ambulance driver is shooting people to create work for himself - like I said, who knows. Point is, they'll get the hell out of the way."

Government researchers say the new siren's effectiveness in the field is uncertain, and is highly dependant on one researcher's theory that motorists are afraid of being shot. "Unfortunately, we think the machine-gun siren will be less effective in some urban areas, where motorists have become accustomed to being fired upon with automatic weapons," said Senior Researcher Gordon Rickshaw. "Still, in most suburban and rural areas, we believe that the fear of receiving a fatal gunshot wound will cause the average motorist to respond more quickly than he/she would out of concern for the injured person in the ambulance."

Prototype machine-gun sirens are currently being tested in several undisclosed towns in northern Oklahoma. An ambulance driver currently participating in that pilot program, who wished to remain anonymous, recalled his experience with the siren: "Well, it's been a mixed-bag, really. We're using these sirens so other drivers will actually move out of the way and let us get to the hospital - and believe me, the other drivers do get of the way. They get out of the area altogether, actually - sometimes leaving the city limits. We were just hoping for a clear lane through traffic, but we pretty much get the whole road to ourselves."

"Actually," he continued, "no one bothered to inform the local police department about the pilot program - naturally some of us were concerned that that policemen would mistake our machine-gun sirens for actual AK-47s and give chase. Fortunately the police have been the first to flee in most cases. Often times they've even activated their own sirens to aid in their escape."

"If there is a car still left on the road it's usually a heart attack victim, and lucky for them we're already on our way to the hospital," said the driver. "I don't mind picking up an extra person, it's just rewarding to save another life. How do I feel about the machine-gun siren? I'd say I'm pretty happy with the results."

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