Written by dalepetrie
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Topics: NASA, Mars

Tuesday, 2 March 2004

image for NASA Press Briefing: "We're All Screwed!"
Angry Spheres Headed Our Way

In a stunning press conference held today, NASA had promised to make a "significant" announcement regarding findings from it's Spirit and Opportunity Mars landers, and for once, NASA did not disappoint. Details surrounding the announcement had been sketchy as sources remained tight-lipped, however most space enthusiasts assumed that scientists were about to reveal definitive proof of the existence of water on the surface of Mars.

At 2 p.m. EST today, a spokesperson for NASA, did indeed confirm the presence of water on Mars as most expected he would, however he also revealed the presence of life...something scientists and science fiction writers have been hoping to find for the past several decades. Unfortunately, NASA also announced that the life they found was hostile, and had been provoked to take action against the Earth by the actions of the Opportunity rover.

As previously announced, scientists had been puzzled by the spherical grains found in the soil on and below the surface of Mars, and in an in depth analysis, a sampling of the spherules, as they have come to be called, were sliced in two and photographed for later analysis. What the scientists did not count on was that the very spherules which they had written off as strangely smooth and almost perfectly spherical rock, were actually the very life forms for which scientists had been searching all along.

In what has to be deemed the worst luck imaginable, it just happens that one of the 5 or 6 spherules which was cut in two was the leader and supreme ruler of all Martian life. The inadvertent killing of their leader was viewed by the spherules as a sign of hostility, and the Opportunity rover was immediately pelted by kamikaze swarms of spherules until it was reduced to a heap of scrap iron. The spherules then seized control of the Spirit rover, tapped into it's computer archives, and discovered that the source of the death machine was none other than our home sweet home here on Earth.

According to NASA's press conference, the spherules are headed our way by the quadrillions with the intent of pelting every living being on planet Earth into a "steaming pile of goo". When asked if there was any way to defend ourselves, NASA admitted that the sheer number and force of the spherules was too great for Earth to overcome, and we were all "screwed". Armageddon is expected to arrive some time between 3 and 4 pm EST this Thursday, and should last no more than 25 minutes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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