Written by Aisubeki Akiudo
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Topics: cancer

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

image for Arse Fingering On The NHS from 2009
An old man having his bumhole fingered by a superhot nursey.

LONDON (Defecated News) - It's been a killer and a cause of worry and illness for many. Prostate cancer is an evil bastard that affects more than 30 million British men aged over 60 every day. Treatment to date has been limited, with the focus being on pain relief and fecal mobility. A new service will soon change this experience for millions, and for free.

The NHS Prostate Massage Service will be launched in 2009 at all GP practices, and will be performed by hot Irish brunette nurses with husky voices. Karen O'Donnell, a fit nurse who looks like the lead singer of The Corrs, told us: "After inserting a finger or three in the patient's rectum, the nurse practitioner will 'search' deeper for the gland. Once located it will be massaged for up to 90 minutes."

Sessions will be daily for a total of 21 sessions. Side effects may include palpitations, perspiration and multiple forceful ejaculation. It's hoped this will shrink the gland and be less of a burden on NHS inpatient services, freeing off millions of taxpayers' money.

A number of doctor's surgeries have already been swamped with interest from older male patients, some of which have started lining up outside, many without any prostate disease.

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