Mount Palomar, California (IP) - Reports streaming in from the outer solar system indicate that the planet Saturn is missing. It was previously reported that Saturn and Jupiter were breaking up and Jupiter is a major suspect in Saturn's disappearance.
One thing that is known for sure is that the outer planets are mad as hell at Earth's astronomers over the recent demotion of Pluto from planetary status to an over sized ball of ice.
Neptune asked, "who do those @#$%^&*! astronomers on the peon planet Earth think they are ?" We planets have been around a lot longer than they have and this is all akin to the tail wagging the dog as far as we are concerned. Uranus agreed.
There is a sinister rumor afoot that Pluto may disturb the Oort cloud and fling some comets in Earth's direction unless the International Astronomical Union reverses its decision on Pluto's status. Jupiter is also rumored to be thinking about flinging some asteroids in Earth's direction via gravitational space tsunami. When Mars heard about Jupiter's plans he became extremely angry and red faced which precipitated a planet wide dust storm.
Mars warned Jupiter that flinging asteroids towards the terrestrial planets of the inner solar system could jeopardize various treaties between the Jovian and the red planet that have been in effect for eons. Mars might rescind an immigration control treaty which would once again allow Martian aliens to emigrate to Jupiter's four largest satellites. In the past it took Martian aliens years to reach the Jovian moons but with today's Star Trek styled transporters it would not take long for the aliens to over run the already over crowded satellites.
Martian aliens have been the subject of racist jokes and are often referred to as "those damn Martians". They crowd 600 to 700 hundred Martians into spacecraft designed to hold only 80 or 100 aliens. Once on the Jovian moons they stare at the local women, take jobs away from the locals at low wages, and crowd 200 to 300 aliens per geodesic domes designed to hold only 50 denizens. As soon as they move in the Jovian Satellitans are heard to say, "there goes the quasenhood." One joke making the rounds goes like this, "Why doesn't Mars have an olympic team ? - because every Martian that can teletransport, shoot a laser bow, or burrow through sand dunes has already left".
The Sun seems to be unaffected by all of the uproar and maintains a steady yellow glow which in stellar terms is as cool as a cucumber at a mere 11,000 degrees F. White and blue stars are much warmer and maintain average surface temperatures of 20,000 and 55,000 degrees F respectively.