Written by Adam Green
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Topics: School, Violence

Saturday, 6 August 2005

image for Study Shows Relationship Between Sex and Violence
Gettin' Lucky....Punk?

Mishawaka,WI: Sixth grader Anthony Russell is one angry pre-adolescent; in fact he's stark raving mad. His fits of rage have landed him in the principal's office 35 times this year setting a new Astoria Middle School record. While teachers and peers have been on the receiving end of his tantrums, they haven't been the only ones paying attention.

The Center for the Ridiculousness of Abstinence Only Sex Education has been keeping a close eye on Anthony Russell and the 450,000 other students across the country who have recieved their first dose of abstinence-only sex education and shown increases in aggression and anger.

"We believe that there is a direct correlation between the manner in which students are introduced to sexuality and their attitudes towards social interaction," said Mark Hodgins, director of the institute. The center is worried that educational implementations such as the video series "It's My Hymen and I'll Wait if I Want To," and worksheets such as "Why Pre-Marital Sex Will Make You Go Blind," have had detrimental effects on the attitudes of students.

We've seen decreases in performance and increases in violent behavior,?noted Susan Stratford, a teacher at Astoria Middle. We've contemplated abandoning the curriculum, but we're all a little worried about 'the trip'"The trip that she refers to concerns the 25,000 teachers now being held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba for what the government has deemed "subversive teaching methods." Education Secretary Rod Paige has warned teachers that any education method that does not fit neatly into the government standardized but non-funded curriculum will be deemed an act of terror against the Holy Empire of the United States of America. "We don't need our kids getting all mixed up in their hormones and neglecting what's really important,"said Paige. We need students to realize that the standardized tests that they will be taking will make or break their careers. If they want to survive in this open market society, then the market in their pants needs to stay off limits until they can afford to get married, move into an overpriced suburb, and utilize intercourse for the sole purposes of procreation and tax benefits."

"Condom? What's a condom?" said Bridgewood High School senior Matt O'Connell after he was interrupted during an intense make-out session in the janitor's closet and asked about his knowledge of contraception. The father of four believes that abstinence- only sex education is a great idea, and wishes that he would have known that he could"just say no."

President Bush will be making a visit this week to the annual "Cheering for Chastity"convention in Bismarck, North Dakota. After the festivities, the president will become restless from watching young girls in short skirts between the ages of 17-19 jump up and down repeatedly which will require him to vent his sexual inadequacy and frustration through the annihilation of yet another ill-equipped and underdeveloped country.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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