A shocking new study published in the U.K. Journal of English Medicine revealed that a popular cow pasture treat may very well be at the root of a disease that has plagued the European population for centuries.
The study, conducted at the Johnson and Wales School of Cookology, discovered that the 'little brown clumps' found in cow pastures, front lawns and near fire hydrants were never made for human consumption. Two-tooth Charley, who always needs someone to get his apple started for him, said he'd been eating the sun-baked swirls on his sidewalk for years. "It's just easier to pick them up when they've dried. I always wondered who kept leaving those cookies there."
The study showed that people who stepped in or munched on the chocolaty animal discards for more that 6 months showed a significantly higher rate of fungusamongus feet, rotten teeth and severe halitosis. U.S. tooth giant Proctor and Gamble announced that their research and development team was working on a new product called Bird-Turd made from real pigeon leftovers on statues.
The 'mini-swirls' dissolve quickly and are also chewable. "The real benefit," said CEO Ben E. Hill, "is that they will help the puppy swirl addicts wean themselves off of the tasty all-natural animal crackers that have proven so damaging to our bodies. It's just awful. I mean, Legionnaire's disease, the Bubonic plague, now this! Next thing you know, they'll say shagging a farm animal in the bum is bad for you… Did I just say that out loud?"