Written by queen mudder
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Topics: Birds

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

image for Great Bastard egg is first since 1832
The Great Bastard which can grow up to 300lb in weight

Salisbury Plain, Wiltshire - (Ass Mess): A Russian-imported Great Bastard has finally laid the first egg of its species since 1832 according to conservationists.

"The last time this happened, old Queen Victoria was still a child," a speoksman for the Fat Bird Society said today.

"We don't know why it has taken it so long. Maybe because the Great Bastard's eggs are so bi and take nearly 200 odd years to squeeze out. But who really knows, eh?"

The Great Bustard is the world's heaviest flying bird and can get "very broody" about where and when to lay its eggs.

British indigenous species died out some 175 years ago but a pair of illegal immigrant Russians were left behind on Salisbury Plain just before Victoria's coronation and camped out ever since.

Bird Society conservationists have seen the eggs which have not hatched so far.

"But anytime between now and 2020 we might get lucky, depending on the weather of course."

When fully grown the birds can weigh up to 30olb stand 14ft tall and have a wingspan of 18ft.

They have been described by the BBC's daftass Richard Attenborough as "the largest, noblest and most tasty of all our British birds.

"However they are notoriously shy and secretive birds so that getting a pair to mate is tricky at the best of times."

The Great Bastard is the county bird of Wiltshire, a country which is currently 99% under water.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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