SAN DIEGO, CA (AP Newsliar) -- Gorillas and chimpanzees broke a decades long silence today to voice their chagrin at having lost the space race to humans.
Bobo, a male gorilla at the San Diego Zoo, stated: "Fine, we lost, all right? We admit it. We made a lot of mistakes and our program just never recovered in time to beat humans to the moon. I don't want to talk about it any more, I'm at a place in my life where I'm just trying to move on, okay?"
Foremost among the technical blunders was the choice of rocket fuel. Says Ni-Ni, former chief propulsion engineer of the primate's space program and current resident of the San Diego Zoo, "It was a huge mistake for us to think that coconuts would make a good rocket fuel. The specific impulse of a coconut-based rocket is just way too low -- say 0.5 or maybe 0.6 Newton-seconds per kilogram, compared to the shuttle main engine's 4000 or so [N-s/kg]. By the time we switched to a banana oil-derived fuel with nitrogen tetroxide for the oxidizer, the humans were well into their Gemini program."
Says Number 14, a retired laboratory chimp from the National Primate Research Center: "At least we have you humans whooped in time travel technology. We can see and send small masses into the future, and pretty soon we should be able to go back in time as well. And let me tell you, from what we've seen in the future, you humans are going to get your comeuppance a few years down the road, boyo."
"Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty human!" Number 14 was heard to utter, as San Diego zookeepers led him back to his cage at the conclusion of the interview.