Written by Jean Le Fete
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Topics: Sex

Friday, 20 July 2007

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Mollusks, can you hear them screaming with joy?!

Scientists today revealed a study that shows mollusks physically enjoy sex more than humans. Felicia Freezig lead the 10 year 15.3 million dollar study comparing the sex lives of mollusks and humans.

Initial findings show that mollusks have nearly as varied interest and feelings about sex as humans, but overall they are more passionate. In fact in study groups compared to Americans, British and most Europeans except for the Italians and French, Mollusks were much more intense, of course the Latin Americans blow everyone away, mollusks or humans.

The worst sub-group was British men with large handle bar mustaches, which compared most closely to the control group of cadavers.

Amongst the different mollusk groups, Freezig says that they had several nicknames for different groups to identify their "sexual" persona, "We called the most active group Paris Hilton, because they just didn't seem to care about who, what, where, when or why. One group that just didn't seem to get it at all we called G.W. after a certain President who tried to cut our funding.

The ones with the least loyalty we called the Brad Pitt group. Then another group kind of baffled us by not seeming to have any kind of common sense, we called them the Ron Paul group."

This study comes as somewhat of a shock, since nobody, not even the researchers can explain how mollusks feel during or after sex. However Frelig explains how they concluded that Mollusks were more satisfied, "They don't just smoke after sex, our instruments actually detect small amounts of smoke coming from them during sex. We also have audio detectors that can hear things undetectable to the human ear, we call them the moan and scream meters, because that's what we are hearing from them non-stop for hours, not just 8 to 20 minutes, which is what humans average from start to finish."

You can read the full research report in an upcoming edition of Science and Sex Journal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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