Tefal-cranium genius, Professor Lepping Greave, famous for his invention of Instant Water (just add water!) and the Dobbling Two-Step Trombone engine has reached a new, and some would say disturbing perspective on the nations favourite fruits!
Smelling of Brimstone and economy-brand air freshener, he revealed "Aye, verily doth the Banana look like the Devil's very phallus, and yea doth the Peach resemble the arse of the Devil also, and so the juice of thine Apple is the gushing lactation of all the whores in the Devil's harem, and yea unto the berries that are the red-eyed familiars of the Devil.
"And let it be known that all who cram such fruit into their craven maws are feasting upon the very excrement of Satan, Lord of the Flies himself!"
But not all the fully paid-up members of the brains trust are convinced. Doctor Arthur Snakebite told us "No, no, no. Fruits are both nutritious and healthy and contain no hint of Satan or the Underworld whatsoever. Toxic Chemicals and pesticides are another matter though".
A close friend of Prof Greave said "It looks like my colleague has come under a Gypsy curse - his persistent refusal to buy lucky heather and clothes pegs has finally caught up with him. We'll have to digitise him and run McAfee Exorcism 7.0 on him, that usually does the trick."
Prof Greave was last seen frothing at the mouth and waving a burning crucifix at people entering the fruit & veg department in his local Tescos.