LOS ALMOST (NM.) -- Today at the Top Secret spreadable condiments facility, scientists made an incredible breakthrough. Doctors Chorizos Zambesi and Milo Oelschlager claim, they have captured, for the first time -- THE SPEED OF LIGHT.
"It was staring us right up the nose," Doctor Chorizos Zambesi said, "lead, was the answer. Put it in a lead lined box."
That old human contaminant..
"YES," said Zambesi, "but it's the best for holding things. We managed to capture some speed of light in a lead-lined box."
The technological break-through's in the 21st century just keep coming. But what would one use the speed-of-light for?
"Well, we don't know yet," said Oelschlager, "if we open the box, it just gets out at the speed of light. Our field is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, so we have not quite figured out how to get the speed of light in one yet."
"But we're working on it," concluded Doctor Zambesi.