In a calculated move this morning, Pope Benedict XVI has added Coca-Cola to his ranks of fighters in his Holy War on all other Christian denominations.
Using much of the coveted "secret" treasure beneath Vatican Hill, the Pope has secured a deal with Coca-Cola that looks set to win over the hearts and minds of many Christians and convince them to convert to the One True Faith, Catholicism.
Evelyn Carnate, UK spokeswoman for Opus Dei, congratulates the Pope on his wisdom. "This looks set to win over many sinners who were stuck in the wrong religion. The Mormons, for example, own much of Coca-Cola, and their steadfastness and dedication is just what the Pope needs to inject into the faith in these troubled times."
The recently created slogan for Coca-Cola, "the Coke side of life", looks set to be changed yet again, this time to "the Pope side of life". The infamous Coca-Cola Christmas commercials will now feature the Pope (as Jesus in the manger) instead of Father Christmas, though the gift of Coke will remain the same.
"It is especially important to target children aggressively, and target them early, and this deal will help us do this," the Pope affirmed during his statement.
Her Majesty the Queen, leader of the Anglican Church, lamented the probable loss of many of her flock in her statement, "we are not amused."