Written by Moose&Squirell
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Monday, 9 July 2007

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Moustache Vamoose!

LANCASTER, LOON VALLEY, ENGLAND-- (ALOPECIA DIGEST: HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW) It was a HAIR-raising experience for a local man attempting to shave the nose-hairs which had over-grown onto his upper lip as he watched in horror, his symbol of adolescent machismo, suddenly sprouted legs and crawled away.

"Me moustache had been growing for so long, I forgot its true origin t'was from farther north of me head, my honker. The grassland growing from me pecker had always been kept rather nicely cultivated & groomed...", admonished Mr. Mark Lowton, DVD Rewind technologist for the Blockbuster Video Corporation & Editor of an internet yellow journalism website, "...and to watch it fall in the bathroom sink and parade about like a tarantula in heat, gave me the willies something fierce"

Dr. Harry Pole, lead investigative scientist for the prestigious Pond Institute of Snout and Booger Research revealed the results of the "hare to scare" metamorphic incident. "Our findings show excessive & repeated finger probing of the proboscis and cell phone use are to blame."

Pole reasons, "Strong 'Torsion Fields' which exist in our electro-magnetic atmosphere in combination with steady massage of the mucous membrane secrete tiny follicles which begin to line the inside of your 'smeller'. The tiny hairs begin to grow with the help of heavy cell phone use & after many days of exposure to the sun's ultraviolet rays, you have a life form which begins to feed off the host body like a cancer, creating a vicious symbiotic relationship of the most unnatural kind & vanity.

Dr. Pole continued, "The host body begins to admire the flowing locks and begin to manicure and tousle the beautiful hair growing from the schnozzola and offers it a shared position along the upper ridge of the lips & all the time mascarading as a mustache. After a while the nasal secretion makes its' way to the memory centers of the brain and wipes out the knowledge of their beginnings as a way of a survival instinct to keep from being cut-off from its' food source."

Recommendation for those who may be sufferers are warned:

1) Do NOT masturbate the adenoid's G-spot.

2) Switch to e-mail, land line phones, snail mail for communication and ignore rollover minutes & give that cell phone a rest!

3) Pick your nose, lightly. Remember, you're removing offensive debris, it's NOT exploratory surgery!

4) Give the basin a good wiping down with acetone or industrial strength 'Nair'.

Mark Lowton was glad to hear the explanation and appeared relieved that there would be no lasting after-effects of the union-cutting separation. Curious, Mark had a final question for the scientist.

"What about the hair surrounding my other organ?" Dr. Pole smiled and said, "That's the first time I've heard that one come up!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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