London - (Ass Mess): UK high street retailer has launched a 'magic knickers' product today that not only holds in and flattens traditional alcohol-bloated British women's sagging bellies in place - "giving a sleek and youthful appearance in seconds, ladies!" - but also guarantees a self-induced orgasm within twenty minutes of wearing.
"The magic's in the warp and weft of the fabric," M&S sources said today.
"The construction of the undergarment constricts specific pelvic muscles causing them to put pressure on both the fabled vagus nerve as well as the pelvic nerve.
"Within minutes of putting one of these ass and belly-shrinking girdle-cum-panties 95% of women experience the sort of orgasm that only a bottle of whisky and half a dozen spliffs on a Friday night manage to produce.
"No more viagra, no more messy pessaries and you can forget the old-fasioned dildo and vibrator," the M&S source added.
"The only drawback is that if you don't take them off after one hour they tend to carry on with the pelvic nerve pressure and might distract women with multiple orgasms.
"But as an alternative to traditional sex-induced climax we highly recommend the,."
The product has gone on sale in the flagship marble Arch store priced £19.99p