Written by David Zucker
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Topics: Crime, Cars

Saturday, 9 July 2005

image for A push to upgrade car alarms

Bob is annoyed that his car alarm is such a lousy deterrent. In these times of increasing crime and vandalism, he is pushing automakers to up the ante, electrifying the cars exterior, deploying a laser-guided punching bag, or some such.

It all started when he bough a second car. Worried that his $45,000 investment, used primarily for short hops to the corner market so as to prevent wear and tear on his primary vehicle, that he would need to leave it parked on the street, he made sure that it came with the latest car alarm.

At first it wasn't so bad. But shortly after he got the car, an alcoholic neighbor purchased a used pickup truck. Worried that 2 tons of steel would rip through his car's lightweight hull, he increased the sensitivity so as to be warned when the truck drove by, so that we could peek out the window and make sure everything was ok. After some neighborhood teenagers, who he admits had always been polite, pointed out that the alarm was breaking their concentration with homework and Playboy, he increased the sensitivity again. Since then, things have gone downhill.

'Crime rate has gone through the roof in this neighborhood. It must have to do with budget cuts and fewer cops.'

When angry letters started appearing in the windshield, Bob had a second car alarm installed, hoping that the constant cacophony would keep people away. Since then, almost daily he find fresh dog feces on the hood, ammonia poured on the sides, threatening letters, wire cutters left in the street by departing figures.

"This place has gone to the dogs. I'm thinking it's time to move to a new neighborhood. And you bet I'm installing a car alarm on my other car as well!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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