Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 13 June 2007

image for Exercise Will Kill You, Says Top Doctor
Take yourself for a walk!

A top doctor has issued a stark warning to keep-fit fanatics, claiming that all exercise is dangerous, and too much of it could prove fatal.

Doctor Alan Claptrap, in an article published this month in the Lancet magazine, writes that even casual exercise can be risky, whilst more regular, rigorous work-outs are a major killer, especially in the over-80 age group.

He highlights several cases including that of Alfred P, a veteran marathon runner of 40 years who, having run for, and caught a bus, was then killed outright when an 18-wheel truck ploughed into the side of it.

Regular swimmer Edward D, 36 of Brighton, had twice completed a cross-Channel swim, but this didn't prevent him perishing at his local swimming baths after swallowong a toxic amount of other patrons' piss.

Yet another unfortunate instance of misguided enthusiasm for bodily betterment, says Dr Claptrap, was that of Reg Badluck, 88, a golfer from Kent. A perfect picture of health, Reg played 18 holes every day for 59 years until one day last March when he went into some woods to retrieve a pulled drive, and was tragically killed by a falling starling's egg.

All these cases, said the doctor, could have been avoided if the victims had abstained from exercise.

"I suggest staying indoors, if possible, in bed in order to prolong one's life", he said.

News yesterday that lifelong jogger Maisie Winthrop, 91, had died in North Yorkshire after suffering a blow to the head from a tiny meteorite, added weight to his argument, and the British Medical Association have agreed to look into his claims.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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