Telford, Shropshire - (Ass Mess): The Dairy Crest Food (sic) Company has pulled over two million tubs of its slimy yellow margarine spread from supermarket shelves after fears that it is contaminated with bird flu.
Last week Ministry of Food inspectors found the Telford factory's churning vats infested with slugs and snails that might have dropped into the spreading mixture after the
plant works' ceiling capsized.
In the last two days the NHS Hell-p-line has taken hundreds of thousands of calls from sickened Clover customers who have reported spontaneous projectile vomiting syndrome and feverish symptoms after eating the spread.
"It could be bird flu," said a Helpline source.
"Normally we get a couple of dozen or so complaints about the spread every day from consumers who have tried it for the first time and suffered a toxic shock reaction.
"But for the last two days we have been inundated.
"Personally I don't know why anybody would be stupid enough to eat this manufactured slime in the first place, although the manufacturers have reported a doing a roaring trade in it as a substitute for much-needed axle-grease in hell-hole hotspots such as Iraq."
A Dairy Crest spokesman said today: "What can we say?" after the Ministry of Agriculutre confirmed all remaining stocks had been destroyed.