London - (Ass Mess): A new scientific study suggests that left-handed women like Angelina Jolie have a huge attention need, tiny attention span and a morbid fear of dying from fatness.
The study also says that women like Jolie may try to control their congenital condition by copious use of cocaine and booze while shunning food and feigning anorexia during the wasting disease's fashionable times.
The study also states that numerous reports have associated such female left-handedness with various disorders such as megalomania, relentless self-publicity dogged self-belief in their timeless attractiveness and a tendency to give their adopted children daft names.
"These left-handers are reported to be underrepresented in the older age groups, mainly because they all die relatively young of stupidity, cocaine/booze addiction, self-starvation and general moronity.
Many of these left-handed women also had a two-fold increased risk of getting involved with narcissistic Hollywood-types and courting high-profile public image jobs like working for the UN when their qualificiations for such work were patently zero.
The underlying causes remain elusive, "although genetics and environmental factors may be involved", the report states.
"Much of the research has been fueled by the hypothesis that left-handedness is the result of an insult suffered during prenatal life" - like your mother "being called a fat-assed drunken bitch while only three weeks pregnant."
The report is due out next week.