The UK Met Office has said that this month has been the hottest April since records began in 1659. The average temperature was 12.2 degrees Celsius, a full 3 degrees higher than the previous historical high of 9.2 degrees Celsius recorded in 1943.
The warmest day this month was Sunday April 22nd, when the temperature soared to a sizzling 16 degrees Celsius. Hundreds of thousands of sun-starved retards flocked to Britain's beaches to soak up the rays of Ra, armed with endless bottles of Ambre Solaire and a towel.
Deckchair rental was up a staggering 81% on last year, and ice-cream and candy floss vendors reported a similar rise. Donkey rides, though, usually a favourite with the kids, were down, due partly to the terrible stench the beasts generate.
Analysts say the record temperatures are most likely due to the absence of clouds, coupled with blazing hot sunshine.
The 'knotted handkerchief' days are predicted to continue for some time yet, and the Met Office has warned people not to be surprised if their homes become submerged by melting glaciers before they get back from work this evening.
Source: Michael Fisk