Written by Arthur Zee
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Thursday, 26 April 2007

image for Apple Introduces "i-Shred" Combo Printer-Shredder

Cupertino, CA (USA) - Apple Computer shocked the computer industry today by introducing the i-Shred combination printer-shredder, a sleek unit that creates and destroys corporate documents without any operator intervention. This revolutionary office tool increases corporate productivity by eliminating manual handling of typical management paperwork. An enhanced model that also includes a scanner has been delayed while engineering resources divert to the i-Phone. Still, the visionary i-Shred is a landmark of computer technology.

"The speed is astounding," says Max Paperman, Apple's product manager. "The i-Shred crunches fifty pages per minute for black and white, and about thirty for color." Connectivity to i-Tunes wasn't included in the initial release, but industry observers expect Steve Jobs to somehow conjure up a lucrative tie-in.

Looking much like a standard printer, the bright white i-Shred features two high capacity paper trays and a huge waste container. Five refillable ink reservoirs provide three hours of unattended operation. Concerns over confetti shortages are finally a thing of the past.

The complex technology required to automatically print and shred corporate reports has long been considered too costly for business applications. But Apple's new i-Shred promises a rapid payback by freeing critical staff for more important duties, such as preparing pie charts and mission statements. The power of automatic shredding is expected to forever change standard office workflow. Apple's place in everyday Corporate America has finally been secured.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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