Written by Doppelbock
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Thursday, 26 April 2007

image for NASA Selects Cyberbock Industries for Next Generation Spacesuit
FAG-ASS will replace older technology spacesuits such as the one shown in this file photo.

DAYTON, OH, Apr. 27 -- The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has selected Cyberbock Industries to be one of three competing prime contractors for the development of a new generation of spacesuits, to be used in future manned exploration programs. Following the preliminary design phase, NASA will down-select to a single prime contractor for award of the final production contract.

Called the Fully Articulated Gyro-Assisted Space Suit (FAG-ASS), the new suit will serve as a key component of NASA's future exploration architecture, leading to a return to the moon by 2020 and subsequent manned expeditions to Mars.

"This contract award clearly demonstrates NASA's confidence in Cyberbock's capabilities in key technology areas," says Doppelbock, Chief Technologist of Cyberbock Industries. "We are a recognized leader in space robotics, and our cutting edge biotechnology uniquely postures us to provide key human augmentation features that clearly discriminate us from the competition. By leveraging our state of the art capabilities in the sex toys industry, we have designed an ergonomic waste management interface based on our Big Buddy 9000 series of vibrating butt plugs. After they try our spacesuit prototype, the astronauts will love our FAG-ASS so much they won't want it from anyone else."

"The competition for this program is stiff, but we are confident we'll get it in the end," adds Mr. Bock.

Cyberbock Industries is a provider of advanced technology solutions to the space and defense segments and develops biotechnology products for the sex toys industry.

FORWARD LOOKING STATEMENTS

The information in this news release contains statements regarded as "forward looking" within the meaning of the Financial Litigation Reform Act of 1995 and related SEC regulations. Words such as "anticipates", "expects", "estimates", "projects", and "intends" are used to indicate future events and financial performance about which we really have no freaking clue. This weasel-wording is used to cover our collective asses in the extremely likely event that the whole thing goes down the shitter and investors get pissed about it.

Make Doppelbock's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 2?

5 12 6 10

Go to top