Written by SamIAm
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Friday, 30 March 2007

image for New Parents Spend First Three Years of Child's Life Teaching Him to Talk, Walk - Will Spend Next Fifteen Trying to Get Him to Sit Down, Shut Up
Little Alex will soon be taught to sit down and shut up.

Taos, New Mexico - New parents, Alisha and Shane Boyle, announced to their families today that their one-year-old son Alex took his first steps.

"Three months ago he said his first word, 'mama'." said Alisha, "Now he's walking. I just can't wait until he's up and around, talking and playing! It will be so great!"

Alisha's father, Phil Meyers, reportedly rolled his eyes while he and Alisha's mother went into another room to laugh at their daughter.

"Boy, she is so in for it," Meyers said. "It won't be long until she's begging us to baby sit the brat just so she can have a couple of hours of peace and quiet. That kid will be getting into everything, stomping, singing stupid repetitive songs and smarting back. Boy are they in for it."

"This is a common problem in parenting," said Dr. Harris Polaski, a child psychologist at Yale University. "Parents have no idea what they are in for. Teaching your kids to talk and walk will only lead to the inevitable - which is fifteen years of trying to get them to sit down and shut the hell up. That's why we do the studies we do."

Polaski says that he is conducting an eighteen year study with his own child, Fredrick.

"We never talk or walk around him," says Polaski, "We crawl everywhere. We have no TV and no friends. Freddy has no idea that humans can walk and talk."

Polaski says that he hopes the study will prove that children can be taught in such a way that it brings peace to the parents who've made the mistake of having them.

"Parenting is hard," Polaski says. "I get a lot of rug burns and it's hard to reach things I need up on shelves, but I think it will be worth it."

Polaski stated that he and his wife do not walk or talk even when they think Freddy is not looking. "We're afraid he'll crawl in on us and discover that humans can stand. That would ruin the whole process."

The Boyle family does not care. "Little Alex is so cute," said Shane. "How can anyone not love such a precious joy? Parenting is easy. All you do is change them and feed them. Then, when they walk and talk you just tell them to settle down and they'll listen. After all, we're the parents and the child has to do what we say. I think this Doctor Polaski is a sick, sick man."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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