London - (Ass Mess): The London Rubber Company is recruiting market testers for its new glittery range of Lurex brand condoms and is advertising for a panel of 5,000 people "who are single, married, and in couples" to report their experiences of using its condoms and lubricants.
Queensbury Rules apply and all products must be tested on the appropriate parts of the anatomy, under strobe lighting and in public leisure areas such as parks, recreational grounds, fish and chip shop alleys, swimming pools, bus-stops, supermarket forecourts and high street betting shops.
Men as well as women "of all ages, ethnic groups or sexual orientation" can apply according to the company website but must meet stringent anatomical requirements - industry-speak for "No Dwarves, Mutants, Retards or Hybrid Forms."
Panellists will be expected to pleasure-rate the new sparkly rubbers and grade the lubricants in comparison to naturally-occuring bodily fluids.
"The last time we mas market-tested our best seller range was a 1960s bank-holiday crazy love-in at Hyde Park," said a company PR aide.
"But under EU regulations we have to extend out testing remit to a wide range of new locations.
"And besides, Royal Parks have now banned us after the Diana Fountain got bunged up last summer with some of our prototype products.
"Like WE should care!"