At a recent American Psychological Association convention, one seminar packed in more shrinks than all the others combined: Pleasuring Oneself in Today's Society.
Covering a wide range of topics from individual masterbatory techniques to Internet pornography tricks, the crowd waited patiently for what was promised to be groundbreaking news.
"Masturbation is a homosexual act," declared researcher Emma Gaye. "The person practicing such behavior is inherantly touching a body part that they would if with a gay lover.
"Fantasy is not an issue in regard to masturbation's inherent homoeroticism. They could be thinking of baseball for all that it matters. What is important is that they are touching same-sexed body parts."
Critics argue that self-love is not gay. They point out that fantasy is crucial to determining whether any kind of homosexual label should be applied to masturbation.
Gaye disagrees. "Countless religious folk are in therapy because they are afraid to touch themselves. They see it as 'dirty' and 'evil,' an abomination to the Lord. At the same time they don't have a problem with performing such acts on their lover, straight or gay."
The jury is still out for The Spoof.
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