BEJING -- A three-legged panda that lost a leg in a fight seems to be recovering well, other than the fact that it appears she has no sex life. "Niu Niu" lost two-thirds of her front left leg, and the resulting loss of balance has affected her love life. The staff at the research center that houses Niu Niu has appealed for help and the outpouring from all corners has been staggering.
Bob Guccione, former publisher of Penthouse Magazine, has offered to provide free screenings of his 1979 porn epic "Caligula" non-stop. "There's plenty of action in that film that doesn't require the panda to be on her feet at all. Maybe she can learn a few positions."
Heather Mills, touched by Niu Niu's plight, offered up one of her spare legs. "I'm only using it for dancing," she tearfully explained, "But if Niu Niu can use it to get it on, she needs it more than I do."
Hugh Hefner suggested that one of the several dozen "pleasure swings" from the Playboy Mansion might be of use. "It really is amazing the positions you can get a girl in with one of these things," Heff said, leering. When Niu Niu's keepers expressed concern that such a device might not be able to handle the panda's weight, Rosie O'Donnell stepped up. "If my contraption can hold up my weight, I'm sure it can support a bear."
Universal Pictures star Andy Panda seems willing to help, but noted, due to his advanced age, 68, that it would be a good idea for Niu Niu to be on top.