In what can only be described as a stunning leap forward for scientific knowledge, NASA officials held a press conference today to discuss an astounding discovery made by analyzing data from its Spirit rover, which is currently taking pictures and collecting samples on Mars.
Though no microbial life has been found as many scientists were hoping for, what was discovered was even more startling. Analysis of drilling samples concluded that beneath the upper layer of crust, Mars' core was completely filled with nougat.
Candy makers are both optimistic and frightened by these findings. Ronald Moorehouse, a spokesman for Hershey's put it this way. "Naturally occurring nougat hasn't been seen on this planet since the great nougat wars of 1936 when the Nazis used up the last reserves of nougat for their evil experiments. Ever since then, candy makers such as Hershey's have been forced to create synthetic nougat to meet the nougat demands of the candy buying public. There will now be a great rush by the big four [Hershey's, Nestlé, Mars and Cadbury] to set up nougat mining operations on the surface of Mars. This would lower the cost of nougat to the end consumer considerably. Of course, the draw of Martian nougat mining will be hard for any candy maker to resist, and this will of course allow a number of smaller competitors to perhaps undercut and destroy the big 4, so for a company of our size, you can see that such a find is a double edged sword."
Already the infighting has begun in the wars to establish dominance in Martian nougat mining. It was reported that within hours of this startling revelation, Hershey's CEO, Richard Lenny, was bitch-slapped senseless by Nestlé's Chairman of the Board Rainer Gut, effectively ending a 12 hour meeting in which the two companies had hoped to develop a joint venture between the two candy giants. Also today it was reported that an unnamed operative from Cadbury was arrested while attempting to kidnap the giant peanut M&M from Mars Headquarters in Hackettstown, New Jersey.
Randall Wilkes, a spokesman from Mars, Inc. stated that they were fully prepared to bring action to the U.S. Supreme Court, and the United Nations if necessary in order to gain sole mining interests for Martian nougat mining. "Nougat has always been a cornerstone of our Mars bar, and it was the very speculation that Mars itself was filled with nougat that led us to use the Mars name when creating the nougat filled Mars bar in 1936," Wilkes said. "We knew that nougat stores were nearly depleted and in asking ourselves where else in our galaxy would be likely to have untapped stores of nougat, it just seemed natural that one day we would look to our red neighbor. It is the contention of M&M/Mars, its attorneys and subsidiaries that we laid claim to any nougat reserves simply by introducing the Mars bar."
President Bush has stepped in with his own statement in hopes of keeping the peace. In a televised press conference, he addressed the issue by saying, "We in the government understand the needs of our big business friends and we will fight for Hershey's and Mars because they're American and stand for American values, and as such can make healthy campaign contributions. And we will stand to a lesser amount to fight for those fine folks at Cadbury because they're English and Tony Blair's a pretty good guy. But to heck with those Swedes or Swiss or whatever they are at Nestlé's…I'm pretty sure they speak French anyway, so they are non-deserveding of any help, because they laughed at me when I went after Saddam...who'd laughing now candy boys?"
When asked to comment, Secretary General of the United Nations Kofi Annan said, "This is absolutely ridiculous. It is in not in the best interest of the world to give the Martian nougat rights to wealthy American corporations. Normally I'm a peaceful man, but I sometimes have to wonder, isn't someone supposed to try to assassinate the American President every 20 years? I know America hasn't run out of whack jobs, what in God's name is taking so long?"
In response, Democratic Party front-runner Howard Dean offered to do the mercenary job if Annan could provide him with diplomatic immunity. Within 5 minutes, 8 of the other 9 Democratic candidates made similar offers, all except for Joe Lieberman who said, "C'mon, he's not really that bad...I kinda like the guy."