For the first time ever the phenomenon surrounding boozy, late night kebab buying can be revealed. Scientists at the UK Centre for Nutrition have discovered that Greek takeaway food merchants have been, for some time, adding trace amounts of cocaine to their products in order to secure future sales.
The truth about kebabs is widely known; that is that they have exactly the same nutritional value as horse faeces that have been wrapped in pita and smothered in garlic mayonnaise. So why is it then, that after eight pints of lager, an argument with a bar manager about the condition of the toilets and twenty- seven frames of pool that we, as a nation, can think of nothing better than visiting our local purveyor of European- muck- for- food in a attempt to sate the late night munchies?
Nutrition expert and discoverer of the Greek fraud Robert Whitehouse explains:
'Obviously no sober person would, in their right mind, buy a kebab if they weren't under the control of an influencing agent. The topic has always fascinated me since I frequently did see lots of sober folk routinely buying kebabs and, evidently, enjoying them. I had always suspected that something illicit was involved'.
Whitehouse divulged, to The Spoof, the shocking truth that his research discovered. The conclusion is that a first purchase of a kebab is easily explained as a result of alcohol consumption. Alcohol makes people do things that they normally wouldn't even consider when sober such as, in this instance, buying a kebab.
However, cunning Greek restaurateurs add 0.1 grams of cocaine to each kebab sold so that the purchaser has a need to return and re- buy. It has long been suspected, by kebab users, that their unexplained sober cravings may have been the result of surreptitious narcotic infiltration.
In a touching admission, White House disclosed that:
'As a teenager I used to find myself in kebab emporiums, not knowing how the hell I had got there, in front of a team of staff that, collectively, looked like a poor entry in The Eurovision Song Contest, saying the words: Kebab meat and chips, please; it was weird. At least this evidence will do some good for the countless others who are affected'.
More than 500 kebab shop owners across the country have been arrested. Police are urging males between the ages of seventeen and thirty to come forward for screening.