An ancient ossuary has been uncovered with the tantalizing inscription "Jesus, son of Joseph and His wife, Magdalene the whore". Theologians, church officials and Holy Land experts have leapt into the fray with a war of words and a duel of dogma.
When the bones of the male skeleton was revealed to have suffered from osteoporosis, Pope Ratzinger reminded the believing world that God the Father would have never allowed His Only Begotten Son to be deprived of calcium.
Radical liberal bible scholars from the Jesus Seminar attacked the Il Rata as a docetic heretic: "Jesus was true Man and so his human body could certainly have suffered from osteoporosis! In fact right now our seminal scholars are working on a theory that Jesus suffered from erectile dysfunction since the Bible never mentions a child of the Lord."
The report should be released in time for Holy week.
DeMythologist Fuller Bullmann believes that the calcium deficiency resulted from syphyllis, an STD he probably contracted from his wife the former prostitute: "That hoe did all of Jerusalem all the way into Galilee! She had a ministry that stretched beyond that of Jesus'. That's what made them such a dynamic duo! Name recognition goes a long, long way. Just like the Clintons, only the opposite."
Roman Catholic and Evangelical Fundamentalists have been flocking to a site near the Church of the Holy Sepulcher where a night time apparition of Jesus' bones has been reported. Holy Land souvenir millionaire, Msgr Opie Humda-Peeples reports that he himself has seen the bones of the Lord in the sky .
He is selling prints of the photo for five hundred drachma.