Billings, Montana - Scientists are now claiming that a cosmic disturbance known as a black hole has popped into existence inside a local post office here.
A black hole is an area surrounding a very small yet very dense particle of matter (not unlike the personality of Tom Cruise). The gravitational force is so strong that even time and light cannot escape its pull.
It was first discovered when local high school science teacher Bob Humknuckle tried to mail a package to his mother who lives on the Galapagos Islands raising web-toed yellow-bellied sap-sucker chicken-finches.
Once inside, Mr. Humknuckle noticed that certain laws of physics were being violated. "It's as if time was standing still," he said. "I placed myself at the back of the line and nothing (seemingly) happened."
Of course things were happening, just too slow to notice at first. "Once I got acclimated to the new environment I did sense the line moving somewhat, but the closer one got to the counter the slower events happened. And at the counter there was no movement-none whatsoever."
Scientists have now determined that the counter area is what is known as the event horizon. An event horizon is the outer border of a black hole where if anything crosses that line it gets sucked into the black hole. It is this area where time virtually stands still (not unlike the range of movie roles of actor/actor Tom Cruise).
On the other side of the counter is where things really got bizarre. "The workers on the other side were not only NOT moving forward at any measurable rate of speed, they were even going backwards!" Mr. Humknuckle lamented.
"And the workers' bio-physiology must have been affected as well. They were emotionless and apparently ignorant of the phenomenon in which they were trapped because they didn't notice what was (or wasn't) going on and they didn't seem to care either."
It was also noted that when some packages crossed the counter (event horizon) they got sucked into the depths of the black hole never to be seen again. Postal lawyers are looking into whether insurance offered to customers for a nominal fee covers loss due to cosmic disturbances. The lawyers said they are confident that they can find a loophole.
To help observe this phenomenon and offer keen insights into how it may affect the human race, Stephen Hawking, author of 'A Brief History Of Time', 'The Universe in a Nutshell', and 'A History Of The Time When Nutshells Were In My Briefs', was called in.
Upon hearing the news, he rolled over as fast as his little scooter would carry him.
Mr. Hawking was so excited that he was speechless. This is what he had to say via his computerized monotone voice box:
"This is so freak-ing awe-some. You mere mort-als have no i-de-a what this means. Do you? No you don't, you pa-thet-ic los-ers. I have-n't felt this much ex-cite-ment since pu-ber-ty be-cause I know what this means and you don't. Freak, yeah! Freak, yeah! Who's your dad-dy? Freak, yeah!"
Than Mr. Hawking approached the post office counter. There he was somehow able to contact, from "the other side," the deceased Carl Sagan. Hawking asked Sagan about the secrets of the universe that may complete is own unified theory (of the universe).
This is what Sagan had to say:
- Nature is not all that there ever was, or is, or will be.
- Yard gnomes are idols to those beings who started life on this planet.
- Nobody knows where the gnome beings themselves came from.
Other reports of black holes inside post offices are starting to trickle in at this time. It is predicted that if this keeps up, every post office will have a black hole and eventually the whole United States Postal Service will itself become one huge black hole.
Many are saying that this has already happened.
Others predict that if the government takes over health care, black holes will start to wreak havoc in hospitals as well.